Once upon a time, not too long ago, I met a man with beautiful eyes who showered me with attention, adoration, and compliments. This man was trustworthy, kind, full of character, and never mean (which isn’t the same as kind…but even kind people can be mean sometimes…not him). However, to me, we were “just friends.”
These types of men should be snagged off the singles market right away, but often are not. Also, these types of women should be pursued the moment a man gets the sense that he might be ready for marriage, but once again, often they are not.
Because our attractions are often rooted in fear. I’ll come back to this.
As some of you may know, the man with beautiful eyes is now my husband. My story is WAY too long to write about here, but if you want the deets, I’m happy to oblige. Looking back, I realize I was afraid of a lot in regards to dating and marriage. And those fears affected my attractions and my standards.
I was afraid of failure, so I was attracted to men who seemed to have it all together according to society’s standards: established in career, financially secure, not in debt, physical healthy/in shape, etc., because if they had these qualities, then I felt there was a better guarantee of marital success. Obviously, these aren’t bad standards to have, but what I eventually understood is that the reason we were “just friends” for so long was because he didn’t meet some of my standards that were created out of fear. Subconsciously, I was attracted to men based off of my unique fears, which then (sometimes) turned me off from great guys. I recently published a guest post by Dr. Renee that discusses this subject in more detail.
OK – back to the reason why so many great men and women are overlooked. I think it’s because fear guides our attractions and standards for the opposite sex WAY more than we realize or are willing to admit to ourselves.
Here’s just one example:
You’re attracted to men with money because you grew up po’ (you couldn’t afford the additional “OR” because you were so poor…ahhh…annoying clichés), or kind of poor, or just working middle class. And you’re afraid to live like that again, so you’re only attracted to wealthy men or men with money-making jobs (on their way to wealth).
In order to figure out if any of your attractions are rooted in fear, do the following:
- Think of the person you are, or have been, attracted to. Write down what attracted you to that person.
- Think of the person you are not attracted to…maybe he or she likes you, but you’re “just friends.” Write down the reasons you are not attracted to that person.
- Based on those lists, ask yourself if any of those attractions, or lack thereof, are rooted in fear.
You have to be honest with yourself and your lists or else this won’t work. Send me a message and let me know if you’ve discovered anything about your attractions!