I think the Christian community has done a good job at communicating the fact that we shouldn’t settle for a lame person who will be harmful to us in one way or another. No one should settle for someone who lacks character, is dishonest, misleading, isn’t really living a Christian lifestyle, is mean/unkind, etc. So I’m not going to beat that horse to death, so to speak (hmm – is that even the right cliché?). I don’t want to repeat what every other well-meaning mentor, mother or friend has told you. I’m coming from a different angle – it’s time for you to settle in a different way.
I’m simply tired of hearing Christians rehearse the noble traits they’re looking for in a spouse, making themselves feel good about the supposed fact that they have a small list of non-negotiable’s they choose from. IF THAT WAS TRUE, we wouldn’t have this epidemic of so many Christian men and women who are still single, yet desperately want to get married. If you are truly choosing from a small list of non-negotiable’s, why aren’t you ever attracted to anyone? Unless, of course, you’re chronically attracted to the “best of the best” as noted in the previous blog post.
There’s something else going on. There’s something hidden beneath the surface that even you aren’t aware of.
Which is why I’m asking the question, “What are you waiting for?”
Most people don’t want to partner with someone who brings “baggage” or flaws into a relationship. Since we’re mostly rational people, and if Christian, believe in the redemptive power of Jesus, we tell ourselves that flaws are OK. After all, we know we have flaws and that we will never get a perfect person…simply because they don’t exist. So our logical, rational mind tells us to expect flaws, yet we’re constantly turned off by baggage and flaws; we just don’t want to deal with them.
So here we have this cycle playing our in our minds and hearts that hardly anyone is aware of.
The cycle goes like this:
We choose someone based off of our list of non-negotiable’s, a list that often times has been prayerfully considered. This is logical and rational. This is what we admit to ourselves and others. This is “truth” to us. It’s a truth that causes so many people confusion because they just can’t understand why they’re single when they really ONLY care about X, Y and Z. Well…
We ACTUALLY choose based off of a variety other things that we aren’t even aware of, outside of the realm of our non-negotiables. Often times people won’t admit that a certain type of “baggage” or flaw is actually keeping them from being attracted to someone, EVEN if that person has all the qualities that fit within their list non-negotiables.
So in order to find out what your TRUE list of non-negotiable’s are, work backwards. Instead of letting your “list” lead your attractions, let your attractions define your list. If you aren’t sure if you’re attracted to people based off of a subconscious list, then write down why you’re attracted to someone. That will become your new list.
Then, if you aren’t proud of that list, like if it doesn’t match up with your supposed God-given non-negotiables, start opening yourself up to people who actually fit that list of non-negotiable’s you want to follow. You might be surprised that you’re heart will start opening up to more people!