The “IT” Factor: How do you REALLY know when you have a connection with someone?


There is 1 key ingredient to know if you have that “IT” factor with someone!

  1. You don’t.

That’s right. You don’t know if you have that “IT” factor, that “something” that draws you in, that feeling of butterflies, that chemistry, until you truly know that person. Ok, maybe you get some of that in the beginning, but let me explain... - Chemistry does NOT mean you should date or marry that person. - Chemistry does NOT mean you should NOT date or marry that person. - LACK of Chemistry does NOT mean you should NOT date or marry that person. Chemistry... that "connection"... they're simply feelings. You need to use your good judgment to decipher if those feelings are accurate or not. Sometimes you can only do this by dating, but often, if you don't date that person, you can  figure out if that chemistry you feel is real just by being around the person a few times. And just because you may not have these feelings right away, doesn’t mean that you should move on! Even after a couple dates! TOO MANY people are waiting for a magnetic pull before they pursue a girl or say yes to a third or fourth date. If they can’t have that connection in the beginning, they assume they won’t ever have that connection. I disagree that a person has to feel chemistry right away in order to move forward in the friendship or relationship. In fact, I have strong opinions about the importance people put on “chemistry,” what I call the “IT” factor. I’ve outlined them below:

  1. You’re the common denominator in all your relationships. If you don’t have chemistry with anyone, you’re the one lacking chemistry, not everyone else.
  2. It’s hard for many people to fully be themselves on the first few dates, so give them a chance! As you get to know them more, you’ll either develop chemistry with them or you'll, at the very least, gain a friend.
  3. Along the lines of number 2, don’t judge so quickly. Just because he isn’t cute or doesn’t have some impressive aspect about his life doesn’t mean you can’t develop chemistry with him after you get to know him more.
  4. STOP waiting for that “IT” factor that draws you in and compels you to ask a girl out. You're either never going to ask a girl out, or you'll find that you're only drawn to the most attractive girl or guy in the room.
  5. Along the lines of number 4, nearly everyone feels chemistry with an attractive person, but chemistry goes deeper than looks. So if you wait to feel compelled to pursue someone without really knowing them, then you’ll be waiting a long time unless you’re lucky enough to have the prettiest girl say yes to you when you ask her out.
  6. Chemistry, the “IT” factor is HIGHLY OVERRATED! That’s ok if you don’t agree with me. This develops during a dating relationship and into marriage. Yes, of course you need this kind of connection with your significant other and eventually spouse, but it grows over time…in the same way love grows over time.

You may be wondering then how you’re supposed to know if you should ask out or say yes to someone if you were to ignore the feelings of chemistry altogether. Good question! My answer: Don’t ignore that chemistry or connection you have with someone. What?! You’re confusing me Starr! That’s right, don’t ignore it. It’s a strong telltale sign that you are or aren’t attracted to someone.

  • But STOP putting so much importance on that feeling.
  • Give someone a chance even if you don’t have that feeling with him or her.
  • Stop asking out only the most attractive girls (or guys) because you feel that “chemistry” with them. Get to know more girls (or guys) and give chemistry a chance to develop.
  • Stop believing that the connection you feel means you’re supposed to be with that person. It’s a feeling, an emotion; not a sign from God that you should date and marry that person.
  • Let it guide you to an extent, but don’t fully rely on it because it will lead you astray. Rely on the Holy Spirit and your good judgment instead.


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